S.O.M: Save Our Men

I thoroughly enjoy reading the press targeting the male market, for they always crack me up.

There are, at least, 4 sections that are always present in these magazines: Beauty, Sex, Advice and Cuisine (needless to mention the Flat Abs section). I invite you to join me in a brief analysis to the message conveyed by magazines for men.

Beauty

I love good scented men, with a smooth skin, dressing sharply and classy…yes, mea culpa…but these magazines can exaggerate. For example, they suggest men should do facials, body & feet massages, body waxing, manicure, pedicure, home spas etc – are they competing with women or something?

I can imagine a guy’s boss scheduling a lunch meeting and the guy asking him/her “Boss, can we have the meeting after lunch? You see, I have a facial at luncheon.” These beauty suggestions have reached such proportions that, in India, the trend is to recommend men to use skin whiteners (to draw beautiful women and be more successful at work)...my God... And let’s not talk about the product suggestions they make: Dior for men, Yves Saint Laurent for men, Channel for men, Calvin Klein for men etc. Yeah, the mainstream (the main target for these magazines) can well afford these products...people, get real!

Sex

This section, in magazines, always makes me laugh my eyes out. Let’s take a look at some examples of the sexual advices men are exposed to (the title is almost always something like “10 tips to make her go wild tonight”):

1. The G Spot is a myth, but look for it anyway; she’ll love it!
2. Lick her ears (but be careful not to salivate all over her earlobes).
3. Whisper in her ear how sexy she is (even if she’s not).
4. Wash her hair, while kissing her neck; use shampoo not soap; do not forget to condition her hair. After the wash use a Braun Creation blow dryer with a Vidal Sassoon brush to style her sexy hair.
5. Kiss her feet (and if they’re crusty: who cares!).
6. Offer her a thong to wear on your special night (and if she’s a jelly butt, adorned by cellulite, ignore aesthetics for what matters is what’s inside the thong).
7. Kiss her armpit (and if she forgot to put the deodorant, endure it, or you won’t get lucky tonight).
8. If she has vagina issues, just look her in the eyes and tell her that size and shape is not important; what counts is what she does with it.
9. If she just had her breasts done (or re-done), let her know how beautiful they look (even though they feel like rubber).
10. Stop being selfish: do whatever you can to let her reach an orgasm before you do; if needed be learn Tantric sex (it’s ok, it only takes 5 or more years to fully practice it [after a lot of discipline and testicular pain])!

Must they try subjecting almost every woman, in the world, to the same foreplay experience (kindly lectured by pseudo-sex gurus)?

Advice

This section is dedicated to those who write the magazines seeking for guidance. But really, sometimes I think that the people are making fun of the guy advising them, for some of the questions are absolutely ludicrous (something like this):

I “Dear X, I realised that whenever I am in my health club’s locker room, watching the other guys getting dressed my penis leans towards the centre; and I was told that in order to get all the girls my penis should lean towards the left. What should I do?”

Reply: “dear reader, it doesn’t matter which way your penis leans towards, just as long as it works properly”.

II “Dear X, I have hairs all over my body; my girlfriend says she’s tired of tooth-picking my hairs off her teeth. What should I do?”

Reply: “dear reader, try the Veet Wax for men it will do wonders; or, you could try permanent depilation. That way your girlfriend’s teeth will be safe and hair free”.

Cuisine

These magazines do make an extra effort to teach men how to cook (since they advocate that men should not depend on women to eat [the reporters who write these things, experience a momentarily positive schizophrenia, since they forget to mention that most women, nowadays, refuse to cook for men]. Yet the offered reason is quite valid; if you ask me).

The problem is that now, because of all this quick lessons, every man is a chef and a cuisine critic – they even tell women who cook “Ohh, you didn’t use orange with the duck...you should’ve!” (Simply because Men’s Health told them that orange goes well with Duck)...please...

I know that shallowness sells; I know that deep and serious themes suck; but must these magazines imply that men have no creativity at all (hence needing silly sexual tips), and that they are a bunch of idiots?

S.O.M!

Image: taken from Google Images